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Madame Web (2024) Movie Review- A Madame Webbing Time

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Here we go again, ladies and gentlemen! Time for another installment in the HOTTEST cinematic universe going on at the movie, the S(cam)ony Villain Cinematic Universe! It started off with a BANG with the turd in the wind that was Venom, followed with Venom: Let There Be Carnage which lived up to the promise of the post credits where Woody Harrleson said, “When I get out of here and I will, there’s gonna be CARNAGE!!!!“, and then came Morbius which offered one absolutely MORBIN TIME that had audiences stand and cheer in the theaters all around the world. Finally, we have Madame Web and as it’s title suggests, it’s the ultimate MADAME WEBBING EXPEREINCE!

Sure, the plot itself might be relatively non-existent, relying on the most unlikely coincidences, multiple continuity errors, bizarre contrivances, and absolute defiance of actual logic imaginable. Sure, it might contain some of the sloppiest and incoherent editing that you will likely see all year. Sure, the action might be very poor, with a climax that is so tense that you can’t even see what the f*ck is happening onscreen. Sure, it has a talented cast that could not look more embarrassed to be there and have been crapping all over this movie throughout their entire press tour. Sure, it feels like a superhero movie that came out in 2003 (which is the actual year which this movie is set in). And sure, the biggest line of the trailer, “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died,” isn’t even in the damn movie at all. However, there is no other movie out there that is will give you a more MADAME WEBBING experience than this MADAME WEBBING masterwork!

I would go into the plot itself but considering the fact that it’s basically the plot of every Final Destination movie every and about every “chase” movie imaginable, it’s relatively pointless too. However, the big important thing here is the way that Madame Web MASTERFULLY ties into Sony’s Cinematic Universe. First off, it answers the two BIGGEST questions that EVERYONE has always had about Spider-Man! 1.) What was Uncle Ben doing in his years as a hot paramedic? and 2.) What happened the night that Peter Parker’s mother Mary, gave birth to him? I know that I was always wanting the answer to those questions and thankfully, the film answers that in a way that is so dumb that it’s secretly brilliant. The LAYERS this film has are just something else!

We of course have to get into the four leading women carrying the picture! They could not have had more perfect chemistry if they even tried. Even though the ways they are connected with each other is probably some of the biggest coincidences I’ve ever seen in an motion picture with relationship dynamics that make little to no sense (Mattie is angry as Anya for literally no reason throughout the entire movie!), it’s something so refreshing to see so many women leading a superhero flick! Sure, The Marvels was….okay I guess but Madame Web is really how a female-lead superhero film is suppose to be! You just let them work out their girl powers (No pun intended!) and let them kick ass in ways that are incoherent and hard to follow on screen. And unlike The Marvels which was a huge bomb, Madame Web is for sure set to make MADAME WEBBING DOLLARS!

And unlike say that woke Suicide Squad game that made me not want to wank off to Harley Quinn and Wonder Woman, Madame Web actually lets the ladies show off a little screen. With their nice hair, skin tight outfits, and absurd amount of make up that makes them look like models (despite them all suppose to be teenage girls that are really played by girls in their 20s), this is definitely a female-led movie that’s made for guys. After all, women in superhero media aren’t suppose to be their own fleshed out characters who have their own goals, personalities, and superpowers, they only exist to be in interest of men and men alone. Let women have Barbie! Way to know your audience, Sony!

Of course, this is all Dakota Johnson’s movie as it’s suppose to be considering well..it is a Madame Web movie that tells the origin story of Madame Web. I will warn you though, it’s an INCREDIBLY slow burn where nothing much happens and you’ll likely find yourself as half awake that Dakota Johnson looks in the entire movie. You get every single detail about Cassie Webb in her early days as a hot paramedic, right down to spending time with her cat and how she absurdly got her powers. Although, it doesn’t revolve around the Amazon with her mom when she was researching spiders right before she died, it does take it’s time to show off the same superpower over and over and over again because the writers can’t seem to think of any other clever way to show off her powers. It does require your patience but I promise you the whole ten seconds of her in that ICONIC red suit at the VERY end of the movie is all worth it.

And speaking of which, this movie does SUCH a good job as fleshing out these female characters that you don’t even notice that they aren’t even in their Spider-Women costumes for 99.999999% of the movie. From my estimate, the ladies have about as much screentime in their superHERoine outfits as Taylor Swift did in the Super Bowl, which was a mere 54 seconds btw. Even though the whole purpose of a superHERoine origin story is seeing them turn into a superHERoine at least by the half way point, this cleverly keeps it as minimum as possible, leaving the audience want more from the future. After all, as the good old saying goes, LESS is MORE! And you could have not done MORE with LESS than with this movie.

A big credit has to go to writing duo of Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Coming high off their MORBIN masterpiece that was Morbius, they somehow are able to top themselves here! They manage to come up with a script that feels like the most sloppy first copy of a draft imaginable, almost like the equivalent of writing things on the fly, and have it feel as disjointed of a film that I’ve ever seen. It’s GENIUS writing if I’ve ever seen one! This is the kind of duo that should be an inspiration to screenwriters everywhere! Because now you know you can have a script that has no coherent storyline or consistent character motivations in order to get a movie made!

We also have to get credit to S.J. Clarkson, making her directional film debut. Sure, she might have directed some okay episodes of Jessica Jones and The Defenders but she REALLY brought her A-game here. That might have to do with the fact that the film at large feels like a two-hour pilot for a television series that will likely NEVER see the light of day. With the way the low 80 million dollar budget is painfully on screen, how it has so many forced tie-ins at such a brisk pace, and how by the end, it leaves plenty of plot elements up in the air for future entries to continue upon, she could not have been a better choice for Sony. She was able to make a film that stood strictly on it’s own that it didn’t even need a post credit scene to justify it’s existence. Take notes, Disney and Marvel!

The cinematography is stunning with so much visual imagery that dives deeply into Cassie’s self conscious and her powers, the editing feels incredibly ADHD and feels more like it was edited by folks who do trailers rather than movies, the action is all over the place and sloppy like it’s main characters are, and the score is so one note you could swear that Johan Söderqvist was half awake the entire time composing it. And unlike other superhero flicks, it actually spares most of the CGI and saves it for it’s intense climax, with effects that look about as fake and green screen than any movie that I’ve seen in quite some time. An absolute A effort for everyone involved.

In conclusion, Madame Web truly lives up to it’s title and makes for a Madame Webbing time at the theaters. It’s so astonishing that it leaves me anxious to see where this ill-fated and not thought out at all cinematic universe is going. More importantly, which Spider-Man universe is this suppose to connect in? It was suppose to be Andrew Garfield but no one liked that whiny brat in the Amazing Spider-Man movies so pass. It was suppose to be Tom Holland until Sony realized that would make NO logical sense for this to take place in the MCU, so much so that they had to rewrite the entire script while shooting. And with the way Peter Parker is born in this movie, it leaves the room for ANOTHER Spider-Man to join this universe in the future.

Even so, we got Kick-Ass/the inferior Quicksilver coming up as Kraven the Hunter in August and Bane/Mad Max in Venom 3 coming out in October. There’s PLENTY of content we have left to get through before the inevitable Sinister Six movie happens and Sony makes up their mind on whatever Spider-Man they want to join this universe. With this cinematic universe clearly not slowing down any time soon, I think Marvel Studios and DC should be taking notes here. This is how you do a cinematic universe!

Madame Webbing Web made for one Madame Webbing time and I can’t wait to see this film madame webbing again.

This is an easy four out of stars for me! Move over Dune Part II and Deadpool III, THIS is the movie of 2024!

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all! Especially you, Sony! Keep up the madame webbing work!

Thanks for checking out my review! I sure hope it was as sloppy and all over the place as this entire film was!

Real thoughts:

This movie is undoubtedly the most fascinating mess of a movie that I’ve seen in quite some time, feeling more like a POC than an actual feature film. It’s certainly more competently made than say….Morbius but it feels as ever bit as much of an obligation to make as that. I might have to make a piece on this soon but after Beyond the Spider-Verse, Sony really needs to give the film rights of Spider-Man back to Marvel. These villain movies are becoming more and more nonsensical by the day. It’s clear that audiences don’t want to see them as much as Sony doesn’t want to make them! So, stop doing it, please!

Maybe a one and a half out of four stars if I’m being generous.

Probably will change it to one out of four stars once I sleep on it though!

Also, this is still the GOAT Madame Web btw!

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Spongebob Squarepants (Seasons 1-3) Retrospective: The Golden Era

Adam1 Comment

If you were to ask what particular television show had a huge impact on my specific generation, formally known as Generation Z, the answer you will likely get more times than not is Spongebob Squarepants. I would be hard pressed to think of a show that came out in the 2000s that hadn’t been remembered, talked about, beloved, hated, dissected, and especially MEMED to death! While there are plenty of shows now and then that have those kind of impacts, there’s something about Spongebob Squarepants that hits a bit differently.

On the surface, it seems like a very basic premise. What if you followed someone throughout their everyday life where they work, play around, and hang out with their friends and family? The main core difference here is that instead of it being in the human world or another planet, it takes place strictly underwater. That right there leaves plenty of room for a show to have plenty of creative world building, neat visuals, and a tons of creative and funny jokes! And for the universal praise that this show has gotten since it started back in 1999 is anything to go by, I would say that Spongebob Squarepants was able to utilize that familiar but different premise to it’s absolute fullest potential.

However, there is one specific era that is referred to as the absolute golden era for Spongebob Squarepants. That era is of course the first three seasons of the show, which basically acted as the original run for this series. This was when the creator of the show Stephen Hillenberg (May he rest in peace!) had complete control along with creative director, Derek Drymon, that acted as the main showrunner of this show and would later go on to be a part of the writing team of the first two films along with being the head director of the upcoming fourth film, Search for Squarepants. Needless to say, these two teaming up along with a handful of credited writers were able to make something truly special for this show’s original run.

Everyone has their own different opinions of Spongebob Squarepants post-original era but no doubt, you will never hear anyone say a bad word about this show in regards to it’s first three seasons. Even to this day, you plenty of folks that remember, quote, and meme episodes of these three seasons to death, which goes to show the everlasting impact this show has gotten over the past 25 years. Because of all of that and more, what better way to kick off this marathon than discussing what is considered by many to be the “golden era” of Spongebob Squarepants, the first three seasons.

Season 1

Now, I will admit, I do find Season 1 to be the weakest of these first three seasons. It’s the one which the animation has shown it’s age, the pacing feels the slowest, it’s much more “quiet” in terms of it’s sound, and this is also when the voice actors were going through their “growing pains” to get comfortable in their roles that they would end up be voicing for over the next two decades. That being said, this still does make for about as good of a first season for the show as you could imagine.

This is when we get introduced to the characters we would all come to love. You have the main character of Spongebob Squarepants, his best friend Patrick Star, his next door neighbor Squidward Tenacles, his other friend he meets Sandy Cheeks, his boss Mr. Krabs, his pet snail Gary, his boat teacher Mrs. Puffs, his boss’s arch nemesis Plankton along with plenty of others. Regardless of how big or small of a role they would end up playing in any individual episodes, there’s is always a certain trait or even a line that one of them says that makes them stand out on their own and become a fan favorite of some sort.

You have Spongebob always aims to be positive and upbeat, Patrick is lovably dumb, Squidward is depressed and moopy in a way that’s funny but also immensely relatable, Sandy is super smart and an absolute butt kicker, Mr. Krabs is always money hungry, Mrs. Puffs is a stress-filled teacher, Plankton is the arch rival that always finds himself on the losing end. Whether it’s their specific personality or they are so funny or they are just feel relatable, the characters of Spongebob are full of charm and memorability that it’s part to pick which one is your absolute favorite because they all have their great traits to them. Even Patchy the Pirate, a pirate who happens to be Spongebob’s #1 fan and Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob himself, and his pet parrot Potty, get plenty of laughs in the earlier season in their live-action bits, despite these almost ALWAYS falling flat with animated shows.

When it comes to the world building, they do enough to where it feels much more different than what it would feel like in the real world with humans or even on another planet with aliens. While it certainly doesn’t make 100% logical sense and certainly doesn’t go too deep into the “rules” of how this world operates, this is always a fun and interesting universe to spend time in and is always interesting to put your shoes with these characters and see how you yourself would act if you got to live at the bottom of the ocean.

The plots of the episodes themselves tend to be light hearted and very simple while relying mostly on it’s humor and visuals to tell it but that’s okay since the show is based around those exact elements and is able to deliver on those fronts when it counts the most. Even every now and then, there will comes an episode that has a strong moral to it that anyone of any age can get something out of it. Take the end of the episode, Ripped Pants, where Spongebob performs a song which reflects the general message of that episode. That message being learn to be yourself in front of ones you care about and not be someone you are not. Otherwise, you’ll end up like the sponge who ripped his pants in this episode. It’s nice, direct messages like that which is always springled throughout this series that helps make these stories stand out well, even if it’s not the most complex writing ever.

That of course, should also talk about the sound and audio of the series which helps gives the show it’s own unique personality. While it’s not quite as strong here as it is with the other two seasons as it does feel more one-note in comparison, it’s the kind of music that’s always catchy, relaxing, lives rent free in your mind, and always feels appropriate for the Spongebob show and character. It’s the kind of music that whenever you listen to a piece from it, you almost ALWAYS know it’s from Spongebob Squarepants.

Even if I do think this is the weakest of the first three seasons since it at times gives off the impression of everybody involved in the cast and crew getting their foot in the door, it still contains that sort of heart and charm that makes the best episodes of this show stand out completely well on their own. There’s plenty of well-loved episodes here such as Bubblestand, Ripped Pants, Pizza Delivery, Opposite Day, Fools in April, and the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes. If I had to pick a favorite, it would probably be either Ripped Pants and Pizza Delivery. Ripped Pants has the most wholesome message of any episode in this season and Pizza Delivery is Spongebob at his absolute wackiest and funniest. Regardless of this being my least favorite of the first three, it was more than good enough for Nickelodeon to greenlight a second season.

Season 2

Now, here’s a season that’s better than the first one in just about any way and may possible even be the very best season in the entire show. This was when you can tell that everyone on board this show were sitting fully comfortable in their square pants and came into work everyday just knowing what roles they are set to play. The animation is much better, the characters are more organic, fleshed out, and move more fluidly, the humor is even more hilarious, the pacing is more breakneck, and the overall world that is the Bikini Bottom feels more like it’s own character than ever before.

This is where most of the absolute fan favorite episodes came to be! You got classics such as Graveyard Shift, Squidville, Christmas Who?, Shanghaied, The Fry Cook Games, and Sailor Mouth. And of course, who can’t forget what is considered by many to be the very best episode on the show, Band Geeks! Like, if you tell me you never laughed at any of the jokes or quoted any one of the lines in this episode, you are a LIAR! And you are ESPECIALLY a liar that you don’t remember this episode for the iconic song, Sweet Victory, that plays at the very end of the episode! That episode along with plenty others in Season 2 is a perfect representation of this show at it’s absolute best.

Just like the first season, you also got a handful of episodes that have a solid moral at it’s core, teaching kids everyday lessons that they ought to learn. The biggest example being Procrastination, the episode where Spongebob is trying to do EVERYTHING but complete his essay. It’s a great examination on the dangers of procrastination, how simple distractions and laziness can prevent you from getting your homework done if you allow it to. Sure, it ends with the assignment being pointless because Mrs. Puffs cancelled it but that still doesn’t change the fact that you need to get work done when you can and never try to push it aside whenever you can. Of course, not all episodes are like that with plenty of humor and lighthearted writing to carry it but it’s another indication that this is not a simply “mindless” show that nowadays relies on memes to carry it. The majority of these episodes are classics for a reason and there’s a reason why they still resonate in the mind of so many who grew up with Spongebob.

Regardless of what Spongebob character is your favorite and what kind of Spongebob material is your favorite, Season 2 should MORE than satisfy you on every level. Each main Spongebob characters get their own episodes and moments to shine, the art design and animation is much improved and possibly better than ever, the humor is at it’s funniest, and it’s able to move at it’s own steady pace without every wearing out it’s welcome. Whether you are a kid whose looking for an entertaining cartoon or a parent/guardian/older sibling who is “forced” to watch it with their kids, there is plenty for anyone to enjoy about the second season of Spongebob Squarepants. This is when the training wheels were completely off and everyone on the cast and crew were ready to ride their bikes full throttle. And man, did they prove that whatsoever with Season 2!

Season 3

Season 3 was no doubt able to end the last of the original run of Spongebob Squarepants on a high note. It’s able to keep that consistent and quality level of humor, charm, and morals throughout with it’s characters still being endearing and Bikini Bottom still being a fascinating place to visit. If there is one thing holding it back compared to Season 2 had to do with the amount of interference that Nickelodeon had on the show and the bizarre airings of it.

To start off with the second point, many of the episodes of Season 3 were aired out of order from their original release slate. As a matter of fact, they started airing episodes of this season even before airing all episodes of Season 2. Nickelodeon has always had that weird habit of releasing episodes whenever the heck they want (Just ask Jimmy Neutron and Danny Phantom!) and that certainly applies here. It’s just stupid and Nickelodeon is stupid for that.

And speaking of stupid things, there was also some bizarre censoring of certain episodes from Season 3 that was done by the network’s part. There was the infamous bit in Mid-Life Crustacean where Spongebob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs are going through a women’s underwear drawer, which so happened to belong to Mr. Krabs’ mother. That episode was removed from rotation in 2018 until it was added back in on Paramount Plus due to a glitch until it was removed again. There was also a bit in Just One Bite where Squidward is trying to get into the Krusty Krab to snatch more Krabby Patties from himself but gets caught in a gas explosion trap twice and blows up both times. That bit was removed due to it feeling too reminiscent of 9/11…..for some reason. I don’t know any sane individual that thought of the World Trade Center blowing up during that scene but it was a thing. It’s nothing that bugged me too much but it certainly were things that fell off-putting now in retrospect.

There’s also the fact that this season doesn’t really have a definite final episode. Granted, that’s because the true original finale of the series was suppose to be with The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (which we will discuss next month) but having no real finale for the televisions series feels rather bizarre. If the movie weren’t a thing, the very last thing we would ever see of the show is Spongebob and Patrick being exposed butt naked in front of everyone at the Krusty Krab. Not to mention, how the last two episode segments made it’s way to VHS and DVD first before television. I know that because I saw those two episodes first on DVD at my cousin’s house before then. Keep in mind, none of these problems I mentioned are deal breakers or ruin my enjoyment of the show but those are things that just stick out for me if I had to nitpick.

Even taking those things out of the way, Season 3 is still very good overall. It too contains some of my absolute favorite episodes from the series such as Nasty Patty, Krab Borg, Chocolate With Nuts, The Camping Episode, and The Krusty Krab Training Video. This is also strangely the season where I happened to see the most memes off the show out of them all for some bizarre reason. I can only tell you how many times I’ve seen the meme from sports fans whenever a team chokes than the one where the health inspector is choking on a fly while Spongebob and Mr. Krabs are laughing their balls off.

While I do think Season 2 is a snatch better, I do think this is definitely the best of the first three seasons in terms of animation, character designs, art style, and especially voice work. I don’t think there was more range in any scene of this show from Tom Kenny when Spongebob is going on his rant to Mr. Krabs about how much Squidward is driving him crazy in Can You Spare a Dime? If that’s not proof about how talented that man is at voice acting, then I don’t know what is. Everything that worked about the prior seasons works just as well here, even if the interference from Nick itself and a underwhelming special or two (Ugh! is just…..nothing!) did start to show the cracks on the armor with this once untouchable series.

Even so, had the show ended with Season 3 the way it was originally visioned too by Stephen Hillenburg himself, it would have been a good note to go out on. Of course, due to their being a Spongebob movie on the rise along with Nick not ready to put away the Spongebob toys yet due to the character’s insane popularity, the show did continue with Season 4 and onwards. Despite all of that, Season 3 was basically the end of the original run of the show and it certainly ended that run with good graces.

In Conclusion

It’s hard to say things about the first three seasons of Spongebob Squarepants that hasn’t been said already by everyone else on the planet. It’s the perfect example of capturing lightning in a bottle. It does everything that it’s suppose to do right. The characters are lovable and memorable, the world building is unique and inventive, the jokes comes thick and fast with very little that miss, the music is classic and pleasant on the ears, and there are enough morals to enough episodes that helps make it just more than mindless children entertainment.

When going back to these seasons many years later, it’s easy to understand why this series has had the lasting appeal that is has had. When it comes to animation that is great for kids and families that works as a simple comfort show or one to watch for the wacky visuals and humor, there’s not very many out there that can top Spongebob Squarepants. Even if not every single episode is a perfect 10/10 and the “special” episodes don’t necessarily feel “special” but more like two 11-minute long episodes crammed into one 22-minute long episode, there’s not a single moment throughout these first three seasons that feels wrong for the universe this show takes place in and the tone that it’s going for with each episode.

Although the first three seasons are considered the original run of the show, there is at least one other thing that came out shortly after the third season ended. One thing that basically acted as an epilogue for this run of Spongebob Squarepants and even at one point was considering the true ending of the show. That, of course, is The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. The next thing we will be talking about next month for this yearly-long Spongebob marathon.