Month: August 2024

This month saw the release of M. Night Shyamalan’s new film, Trap. With that, this beloved/despised director now has 15 films in his massive filmography. Regardless of what you can say about the man as a director, you can’t deny there is no other man in Hollywood quite like him. The man is basically his own unique beast of a filmmaker, now allowing himself to spend the quarter of his yearly salary to finance his own personal projects that give him permission to play in his own sandbox in front of the camera for the whole world to see. Whether the movie is good or bad, you always know you are watching an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Even if he is someone that everyone is aware of his tropes and reputation, something which even Shyamalan himself seems to be WAY too aware of nowadays, his movies are always so fascinating to watch and talk about because of it.

With that, let’s take a look back at every single one of his directed films and rank them from worst to best. Time to take this quality-like trip down memory lane!

15.) The Last Airbender

One of the most hated films ever to be released in cinema is absolutely deserving of all the scorn it gets! Despite trying so hard to be as faithful to a t to the beloved Nickelodeon animated series as possible, it ends up sucking out all the fun, joy, heart, and spirit that the show ever had.

With the way the film plays out with trying to squeeze the plot of an entire season of a tv show into an hour and 45 minute film, it was basically doomed from the start. However, when you added in actors who are massively miscast in their roles (And that’s not strictly because of the producer’s obsession to casting literally the whitest actors possible for these roles), replace the banter and character development with non-stop exposition, and effects that look more appropriate for a fan film rather than one spend a million dollars on, you have one truly awful and underwhelming picture. Not to mention, they couldn’t even be bothered to get the names of some of the characters right (It’s “Aang!” Not “Aung!”).

Admittedly, it’s hard to blame strictly Shyamalan for this train wreck because it’s clear that not every single choice made in this film was his as there was plenty of obvious studio meddling that plagued this mess. Even so, I don’t there there has been a film that has sunk M. Night’s reputation quite like this. It sunk it so hard that he might never, ever get it back again.

14.) Lady In The Water

Now, here’s a movie you can 100% fault Shyamalan for as it’s clear that his fingerprints are all over this abomination. And that’s not even going into the scene near the end where M. Night basically plays a self-insert version of himself and proclaims he’s gonna save the world from evil critics who dared to criticize The Village.

While there’s at least a tiny more creativity put into the world building and certain elements than The Last Airbender, almost none of it is put to good use. You have a great, recognizable cast that turn in some absolutely terrible performances, the plot and logic is basically non-existent and falls apart once you think about it for a split second, and how in the world can you make a movie about magic mermaids and such so unbelievably boring.

Even if you are someone that didn’t hate The Village or M. Night prior movies before this one and even take pride at taking shots at professional film critics, this film is just way too smug, ego-filled, and pretentious for you to get behind. This is arguably the first official dud that Shyamalan had ever put out that pretty much everyone agrees was a disaster!

13.) After Earth

Yet another incredibly silly but also somehow overly serious sci-fi journey that somehow manages to walk a fine line between unintentionally entertaining but also somehow painfully dull at the same time. To quote Honest Trailers, this was perhaps Will Smith’s biggest mistake since turning down The Matrix (at least until his infamous Oscar slap would shock the world).

Despite technically being an original sci-fi story, there is hardly any new actual elements to it. It has the exact same sort of characters and tropes you’ve seen a million times before and seen done a million times better in other things. The chemistry that Will Smith had with his son Jaden in The Pursuit Of Happiness is no where to be found here, which makes you shocked that these two are even related in real life. And I’m fairly certain if you told me the script did not receive a single re-write and was turned in after just one draft, I would certainly believe you.

This admittedly could have worked if it just stuck to it’s original premise and not feel the need to add in a bunch of other ridiculous elements but it pretty much falls flat in every way it possibly could. If The Last Airbender didn’t make you lose complete faith in Shyamalan, then After Earth might have finished the job for you.

12.) Glass

M. Night was making somewhat of a comeback before this one came out. His last two films were fairly well received and just one more after that could have potentially brought back on the map as a director we can all take seriously again. Oh…..what could’ve been!

2019 was a year filled with underwhelming endings to well-known franchises minus the big one with superheroes and this was no exception. It’s baffling how Glass takes a potentially exciting cross-over/finale and manages to turn it into a completely pointless slog that undermines everything that came before. With too much time spend in the hospital hearing the same, repetitive talking scenes over and over again about how these superpower folks aren’t really that super, an incredibly disjointed narrative, and a resolution that makes the main bad guys look like the dumbest idiots ever, you could not have made a more disappointing finale if you tried.

Sure, it’s well-shot, James McAvoy is still as awesome as ever in the role, and I’m sure there are folks who gave it bonus points for it’s so-called “bold” choices it makes towards the third act but very little actually works from a storytelling or character perspective. It’s baffling how just about the commentary and deconstruction elements that worked so well in Unbreakable just does not work here whatsoever.

11.) The Happening

I’m not gonna lie, if I was rating this in terms of entertainment value, this would probably be much higher on the list. This is hands down one of the most entertainingly bad movies ever made. From the direction to the acting to the dialogue to the script, there is so much for you to be entertained by and laugh at how ridiculous this is that it’s hard not to recommend it because of that. From an objective standpoint, however, it’s still really darn bad.

The premise is actually quite a solid one for a supposed B movie. The problem is that Shyamalan takes the material so seriously that it can’t be judge strictly for being an over-the-top schlock movie because it’s clearly trying to be something more than that. It actually thinks it’s telling a deep, dark story about death, suicide, and brutality that is going for the Oscar. But because the dialogue is so terribly written, none of the characters act like human beings, and the actors act like they are in a complete different movie than the one they are actually in, it’s impossible to take anything seriously because nothing feels real or genuine.

At this point, M. Night was not only starting to lose his pride but was becoming an unintentional parody of himself. Watching The Happening is like the equivalent of watching a deadly car crash, it’s awful and terrible to see but your eyes are glued to the accident the entire way through and you just can’t help to not look away.

10.) Wide Awake

Believe it or not, The Sixth Sense was actually not the first film in M. Night’s filmography. That was actually whatever the hell this is that made it’s way into cinema in 1998. And tbh, even with it’s absurdly twist ending, you would be hard pressed to find out that Shyamalan actually directed this movie.

There is some occasional wit and charm to it along with a couple of touching moments but much of Wide Awake screams “first time director” and not in a good way. The whole experience feels too hollow and all over the place to be engaging all the way through with not having a clear idea as to who the movie was aimed for. Also, despite what the poster of the movie would indicate, baseball has very little to do in this movie and the two characters that appear on there have hardly any screen time together.

Releasing just one year before The Sixth Sense, this has that sense of a movie being solely made solely for M. Night to get his foot through the door and so he could go onto making a movie he would much prefer to make. Not a lot of people remember this as it’s first film and it’s probably for the best that it stays that way.

9.) Knock At The Cabin

The newest feature film from Shyamalan is well shot and has a handle of good performances, with the main stand-out being Dave Bautista, that helps make it watchable but unfortunately fails to be engaging or interesting because how tame the whole experience is. Almost as if M. Night is beginning to run out of ideas.

That’s not even going into how rather homophobic the movie is given it never tries to offer a satisfying resolution to the main queer couple, twists that are so obvious I’m not even sure you could actually call it twists, and even the actual “world ending” stakes presented feel about as inconsequential as that of a mission in a Grand Theft Auto game. By the time we get to the bleak and unceremonious end, you just wonder what exactly the movie itself is trying to accomplish other than with the message of how the Old Testament is right in that the world would be better off without gay people.

I don’t think there’s a M. Night Shyamalan movie that left me shrugging my shoulders than this one. Even the negative points aren’t ones that are worth thinking to deeply into because the movie itself doesn’t even try to do so. It just lacks it’s own value and substance which makes it’s brief runtime feel longer than it really is and it lays out a big surface that it doesn’t even bother to scratch. It’s as if M Night has finally met his match, being unable to shock the world any longer. In that case, then Knock At The Cabin does at least make for a rather unique metaphor of it’s own, even if it’s a tame one.

8.) Old

Here’s one that manages to display the very best and very worst of M. Night Shyamalan. When Old is playing around with it’s own “time flies” premise and does bizarre, interesting things with it, it’s an absolute blast of schlock value. When it actually tries to be deep and throw as many thought provoking messages into the mix as it can, that’s where it falters.

The craftsmanship is great, it movies at a good pace, it contains some of the most unique imagery and sequences in any Shyamalan movie, and is among the few times where letting M. Night without some sort of restraint is actually for the better. It even does a good job of showcasing just how fast life can go and why you should live it to your fullest potential. Just too bad M. Night just can’t seem to get out of his own damn way by feeling the need to be deeper and more complex than it should be along with including a third act twist just because that’s an absolute staple to his filmography at this point.

I can’t say this movie isn’t entertaining or even engaging at times but I also can’t say it completely worked because of how back and forth it is with what goal it wants to achieves and the ways it actually wants to achieve it. Old containing both the highest of the high and the lowest of the low of M Night’s filmography, which make it sit comfortably right in the middle of quality in this ranking.

7.) The Village

This is probably the only “bad” M. Night Shyamalan movie that I find myself defending. After hitting three home runs in a row with The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs, expectations were high that the great M. Night would be able to hit a grand slam like he’s Babe Ruth with his next trip up to the plate. Instead, this is more like a sacrifice fly with the bases loaded when you are still down by multiple runs in a game. You technically got the job done there to keep your team in the game but you were expecting to at least get a bases clearing extra base hit, if not a grand slam.

That’s not to say The Village is anywhere close to perfect. It’s way too slow for it’s own good, too ham-fisted in it’s political themes, and the final twist doesn’t feel anywhere near as earned as it did in his last three movies. However, it also has intriguing world building, actors that fit quite well in their roles, and Roger Deakins proving once again why he’s a top-tier cinematographer. Also, unlike with most his later work, you don’t really get that sense of smugness here and actually feels like it’s something for anyone to get something out of.

While it’s a shame that The Village couldn’t make for the perfect quadrilogy for M. Night, it still not an absolute failure over all. It’s an intriguing film that has plenty of redeemable qualities even if it is frustrating that it can’t quite reach greatness. I get the feeling has this movie came out at any other different time than they did, people would be much nicer to it.

6.) The Visit

At the time this movie came out, it was instantly held as a return to form for M. Night Shyamalan. A reason to hope for the man who practically invented spoiler alerts would be able to return to form after so many failures over the past decade plus. Are these people right? Well, yes and no.

It’s definitely refreshing to see M. Night go back to smaller scale and low budget flicks after a handful of terrible blockbusters he directed. Most of the tropes that has become accustom to actually works quite well here, there’s a handful of story elements that get satisfying if not disgusting payoffs, and even the twist, while obvious, makes sense and helps to add tension during your initial and on repeat viewings with how the kids are going to deal with their supposed grandparents. Where the movie doesn’t work is when it goes too far with it’s black comedy or tries too hard with jump scares that don’t go anywhere. And I can’t stand the rapping…..at all.

It doesn’t completely work but The Visit does at least do a good job at foreshadowing the direction that M. Night would be taking with his future films and how it was start of a new era for him. While more missteps was sure to come, it was nice to see himself get another leash on life by reinventing himself as a filmmaker with this mildly entertaining flick.

5.) Trap

The newest psychological thriller of a serial killer from M. Night is surprisingly one of the better films that he has ever done. It has that right blend of nerve-wracking suspense from the great Hitchcook and the gallows sense of humor that Shyamalan likes to implement in his movies. To put it simply, Trap just has the right amount of sauce and edge, at least until it doesn’t.

Josh Hartnett is clearly having an absolute blast playing the main character of Cooper, there is perfect amount of tension and suspense throughout, there is plenty of setup that has a proper amount of payoff later on down the line, and the craftmanship is felt through every frame throughout Trap. Even M. Night’s most infamous tropes such as the close-ups and over-the-top performances work very well here because it makes sense for the reaction for nearly every single moment. Although, I could have done without the last 10 to 15 minutes, which constantly just drags and keeps hammering a point we had already figured out by now.

Even with it’s faults, Trap is M. Night Shyamalan doing what he does best. He doesn’t need to throw in a big twist that breaks all logic for the sake of shock value or go too far with the points he’s trying to make. He just need to make tightly budget and tightly paced thrillers, with performances, stakes, and thrills that resonate rather than take away from the experience. All of that and more is why Trap is deserving of squeezing into the top five.

4.) Split

While The Visit was hailed as one of M. Night’s better films in recent memory, it still had enough detractors to still consider it not good enough. With Split, however, even the detractor had to give credit where it was due. This movie felt like the Shyamalan of old was resurrected and returned to the big screen to show everyone how it is done.

This is an absolutely intriguing and intense thriller filled with great set-ups, satisfying payoffs, and stellar execution all around. James McAvoy is an absolute scene stealer, being able to perfectly portray every single personality of every single version of himself he is suppose to portray. Anya Taylor-Joy is also able to make for the right companion piece of being a shy girl with little to no emotion going up against a derange kidnapper with plenty of emotion. Even if you are able to guess the twist at the very end, this is still able to stand strongly as it’s own thing. The first act is quite choppy and it’s a shame that we don’t get to every single personality from Kevin but none of that can take away how surprisingly enjoyable the whole experience is.

Split feels like the last missing piece to the perfect puzzle that was the quad trilogy of M. Night Shyamalan in his prime. It might have took nearly 15 years to get it but it is satisfying all the same. Even if the follow-up to this was very underwhelming, this still remains for a wonderful fluke and a sign that perhaps the old M. Night Shyamalan we all knew and love is still in there somewhere.

3.) Signs

The finale of the original trilogy of bangers of M. Night’s early career does fall into the trappings of the third movies being the weakest of the bunch. It’s not quite as tight or as uniquely different as the other two movies that came before this one. That being said, much like other certain third installments that are technically the worst of their respective trilogy (*cough* Return of the Jedi), it’s still pretty darn good and satisfying enough in it’s own right.

Signs is able to balance between being an alien invasion flick and an engaging family drama quite well. It contains the proper amount of tension, suspense, and even scares with the supernatural stuff and even some natural conflicts that the characters go through which dives deep into moments of psychological, human-driven society. Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix also fit the roles very well as does the child talent of Rory Culkin and Abigail Breslin. There is perhaps a bit too many themes the movie tries to tackle at once and has a final shot that feels unnecessary but it all mostly works out well.

As much as it’s not M. Night’s best movie, it’s probably the most heartfelt movie he has ever made. One which all the genuine emotion feels earned and plays out the way it was suppose to be. It knows how to make one feel in way that I don’t think even Shyamalan imagined. That in of itself makes Signs impressive in it’s own right.

2.) The Sixth Sense

If it weren’t for the fact that Wide Awake existed, this would make a strong case for being one of the best director debuts of all time. Imagine being a C-average student in your freshman year of high school only to being an A-average student the very next year as a sophomore. There’s not many directors out there that can say that but with The Sixth Sense, it’s hard to deny that M. Night was able to acheive exactly that.

This feels like a movie that only M. Night Shyamalan himself could have made as it knows exactly what he does expertly with no BS thrown in between any of it. It’s extremely well made, the narrative is engaging, the performances are top notch, it’s able to explore it’s subject matter involving psychology incredible well, and every scare is legit frightening regardless of if you know it’s coming or not. Even the twist ending, which would unfortunately make M. Night the child poster of that storytelling trope, works wonder and allows for different viewing experiences every time you watch it.

The Sixth Sense is able to bring out the very best of M. Night Shyamalan while also leaving the anything resembling the worst of him. It’s able to use the tropes it introduces without ever derailing any fraction of the film. While it’s not quite my absolute favorite of it as it ranks in the #2 spot, it would be hard to argue with anyone that has it at the very top.

1.) Unbreakable

This is where M. Night Shyamalan has hit home the best for me and what I believe is to be his absolute masterpiece. As much as their are handful of superhero films that try to “deconstruct” the genre to try to make an absolutely loaded genre feel fresh, very few are able to hit the mark of that matter with the way Unbreakable does.

It’s able to take the tropes that is most common for superhero movies and comic book stories and cleverly subverts them in ways that make the experience even better. Instead of being action heavy with cheesy one-liners and campy villains, it’s able to showcase what superheroes and supervillains could look like in a real word with a dark and sobering tone that fits perfectly for the movie. Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson are perfect in their roles as David Dunn and Mr. Glass, the main superhero and supervillain of the picture. The conflict between the two and the duality that they played off of each other is among the best I’ve seen in any superhero film. It shows that there is a more to a hero and villain story than simple fistfights and power-filled matchups, but it’s also about having an interesting internal conflict between two figures from a psychological and thematic standpoint that matter too. Some do it better than others but not in he way that Unbreakable masterfully showcases this.

Even in an age of where comic book movies have took the world by storm, Unbreakable is a movie that feels like it could have came out at any time and it would still feel fresh, different, and unique all the same. It’s one of the few times where a M. Night Shyamalan is exactly as smart, if not more so, that it believes it is. Because of that reason and many more, Unbreakable is hands down my favorite movie of M. Night Shyamalan and one of my personal favorite movies in general.

For the past decade, the video game known as Alien: Isolation has been considered by Alien fans to not just be the best Alien game ever made but the very best thing to happen to the franchise since the first two masterpieces of film known as Alien and Aliens. It was a game that understood the original Alien inside and out. It captured the intense, suspense, cluster phobia, and pure horror nature of that 1978 sci-fi gamechanger by Ridley Scott. Putting you in the hands of Amanda Ripley, the daughter of Ellen Ripley, as she has to confront with the same alien surprises as her mother could not have been a more fitting gap between the events of Alien and Aliens.

Since then, many fans have wondered if a game like Isolation could be properly translated into a feature film or tv series. Whether it’s to experience more adventures with another badass Ripley or have scares and thrills that is reminiscence to that, making something that could completely capture that lightning in a bottle that a video game could really do wonders for this franchise. And if the latest installment, Alien: Romulus is any indication, Fede Álvarez seems to have us all COMPLETELY covered in that regard.

Romulus is able to hit the beats that you expect and want out of a proper Alien movie, while acting as easily the most consistently good film entry in the Alien series since 1986. It’s far from the gamechanger that the first two Alien films were nor is it even as ambitiously imperfect as the likes of Prometheus or Alien 3, but in terms to delivering the goodies and pure entertainment value in the way it intends to, Romulus has been as good as it gets for the Alien franchise for a good long while.

Premise: Taking place between the events of Alien and Aliens, while scavenging the deep ends of a derelict space station, a group of young space colonists (Cailee Spaeny, David Jonsson, Archie Renaux, Isabela Merced, Spike Fearn, and Aileen Wu) come face to face with the most terrifying life form in the universe.

On the surface, the plot of Alien: Romulus comes across as a simulated version of the entire Alien franchise up to this point. You got the alien acting as the uninvited guest from the original Alien, the aliens which forces our main character (s) to take matters into their own hands from Aliens, the alien that is determine to strip everything away from our main character from Alien 3, some of the alien lore expansion of Prometheus and Alien: Covenant, and just a tiny bit of the campiness from Alien: Resurrection and the Alien vs Predator movies. However, what makes this all work is not only how well utilized it is in the world that is Alien, but Fede Alvarez is able to add it’s own sauce (Did I use that right?) to the franchise that had yet to be seen up to this point.

Alvarez has already shown is horror directing chops in Evil Dead (2013) and Don’t Breathe but with Alien: Romulus, he was able to really set himself loose. His horror style is able to make every moment with the Xenomorph as intense and suspensible as it has any right to be, making nearly every single sequence with them stand out in a grand way. Not only with creating exciting action sequences with the aliens or making them all look cool but he understands perfectly as to why these monsters are as opposing and threatening as they are. It’s not because of the lore or backstory behind them. It’s just the fact that they are able to cause one problem after another for our main heroes, constantly being a sinister threat every step of the way. Whenever you think you are safe, you are most certainly not. That is what makes these creatures stand out among the very best monsters in horror and sci-fi history and what makes Romulus work as well as it does.

And if that sound similar to how the aliens were portrayed in Alien: Isolation, you would be corrected. It’s for that distinct reason as to why Romulus acts as the perfect adaption of Isolation without necessarily being one. It has that perfect set of tension, suspense, horror, action, and just perfectly putting you in the shoes of the main protagonist, making you feel like you are on this horrific roller coaster ride with them. And that’s not even going into the fun little easter eggs from that game such as the emergency phone save point, crawling through dark tunnels, and the alien knowing your every presence every step of the way. For anyone out there that wanted a proper Alien: Isolation film adaption but also is it’s own thing, look no further than Alien: Romulus.

It’s also impressive how it’s able to weave in certain elements from infamous Alien entries such as Prometheus and find a way to make it worth here. It’s able to find that right balance of incorporating other elements from previous Alien movies to not just tip their cap to those films but also make it worth for the purpose of this story. Although, there is one particular plot element that the film goes perhaps too far with. And yes, it’s the one that many people have discussed at volume length and is perhaps the biggest talking point of this movie.

Personally, I felt it worked just fine for this movie as it provided the right connection the original Alien and it did get approved by everyone it needed to get approved of. I just wish that no real A.I. was used to make that element work so it could avoid all of this controversy. I can understand why many people don’t like it but considering they found a way to make it work for the movie and got the permission needed, I think it works just fine.

The entire cast is also to stand on their own very well here. I don’t know if they will be as remembered fondly as the cast of the original Alien movies but they do work well on their own here. Cailee Spaeny is very strong and compelling as Rain, being able to avoid the trappings of prior leads in the Alien movies and growing into her own unique presence, by the end becoming more than just a standard Ellen Ripley clone. David Jonsson as Andy makes for easily the most unique and charismatic android this series has had in a long time, providing for some of the film’s most standout moments. Archie Renaux and Isabela Merced make for welcome additions that will certainly get them roles in future horror movies for years to come. Spike Wearn and Aileen Wu are the two members that get pushed to the wayside but they do suit their required roles well.

The production values are very top notch in Alien: Romulus, save for that plot element with the recurring character which you perhaps could have down without. You can definitely tell that Fede Alvarez has a love for practical effects and craftmanship and he’s really able to show that throughout the entire movie. The Xenomorphs and other aliens have not look this good in ages, the cinematography is spot on throughout, there’s plenty of iconic moments that stand among the franchise’s best, the action set pieces make for some of the best sequences in the entire franchise and a third act which is so over-the-top and feel approximately Fede Alvarez that I couldn’t help but love it. Even with the 80 million dollar budget, you can tell that nearly every single penny is put to good and proper use.

After going down a very inconsistent road from Alien 3 to Covenant, Romulus sees Fede Álvarez
returning this franchise back to it’s traditional roots and it could not be any better for it. This is able to hit all the beats that you would expect from an Alien film while also providing it’s own unique voice and plenty of memorable scares and thrills of it’s own to make this a worthy addition to the Alien canon. The new cast of characters are likable and compelling in their own right, the action, gore, and set pieces are among the very best in the franchise, this is easily the scariest film in the series since the original Alien, and the third act is so bonkers and so out of left field that I can’t help but love it. It’s even able to take plot elements from Prometheus and have it work rather well here.

It does suffer from some imperfections such as a callback or two that doesn’t really work (You’ll know it when you see it!), and a reemergence of a certain character that you perhaps could have done without. Even so, this is easily the most consistently good Alien film since Aliens and perhaps the most pure fun installment in the franchise thus far. While it’s far from the most thought provoking and groundbreaking film in the franchise, Alien: Romulus is able to deliver where it counts the most with this franchise in providing it’s own scares, thrills, and tension throughout.

Romulus is able to do to Alien what Prey was able to do with Predator, give it’s previously considered dead franchises a new life and leave room for plenty of more stories to be told with their own respected franchises. Whether it’s for a sequel to this movie, a sequel to Covenant, one final swan song with Sigourney Weaver, or another Alien vs Predator movie, I’m now genuinely curious as to whether the Alien franchise can go from here.

Bring on Alien: Earth!

And please make a sequel to Alien: Isolation! I want more adventures with Amanda Ripley!

Alien: Romulus is now playing in theaters. As usual every time that a new entry in a famous, long-running franchise comes out, it’s time to rank every single installment from worst to best.

Alien is certainly one of the more complicated film series out there. It bares quite a resemblance to that of the Terminator franchise, and that’s NOT just because both series had James Cameron involved in one way or another. In which the first two films are beloved and considered absolute sci-fi masterpieces while every single installment to come out after that has a very take it or leave it mindset. Sure, there are definitely films to come out in the post-Aliens era that have their fans, including the newest one that just came out, but the majority would agree that not a single one of them could hold a candle to the first two films.

Even so, just like with any franchise that has gone on for decades, everyone has their personal favorites and least favorites. And it’s time for me to throw my towel in the ring and rank them all.

Also, similar to the Mad Max ranking, I decided to make this one a bit more interesting and thrown in a video game into the mix. Why? Because it’s awesome and better than a good majority of these movies so it’s worth addressing. Nevertheless, let’s get into ranking some Alien movies.

10.) Alien vs Predator: Requiem

The second Alien vs Predator showdown is not only the worst of anything related to both now Disney-owned IPs, it’s one of the worst franchise entries in the 21st century. What should be a simple premise of just taking these two well known monsters and have been punch one another for an hour and a half is bogged by some of the worst lighting and editing ever put in a theatrical released film. It also doesn’t help that it has writing, acting, and directing that wouldn’t even be passable for a Patron funded fan film. Alien vs Predator: Requiem is not only just as bad as franchise movies can get, it’s just as lazy as they come. It literally brings a new definition of unwatchable because well…….you literally can’t watch it because you can barely see what’s happening on screen. It’s not strictly a film that is infamous for certain story choices it makes or contradicting previously established lore in any way but because of how objectively poor the filmmaking is on display. That in of itself makes this more than worthy of being the worst film in both respected franchises.

9.) Alien: Covenant

After the divisive response that 2012’s Prometheus had on critics and audiences, Ridley Scott decided to take things back to basic for the Alien franchise with Alien: Covenant. Unfortunately, in so doing so, he manages to undermine the ambiguity and intrigue of the beloved Xenomorph while doubling down on all of the main problems that plagued it’s predecessor. The alien action and set pieces are uninspired, most of the characters aren’t interesting and are about as dumb as movie characters can get, the effects for all the monsters look shockingly poor, and finding out that David was the one responsible for the creation of the Xenomorph is about the most out of no where and unneeded explanation for a franchise’s lore since Mini-chlorians. Not even Michael Fassbender’s captivating screen presence and a couple of fun moments sprinkling in can save this mess. Alien: Covenant may not quite be the worst film in the franchise but it was definitely the sign that the franchise had lost his staying power and how the guy who made the marvelous original Alien had lost his touch. When looking at is as a proper Alien movie and a sequel to Prometheus, Covenant just doesn’t work on any level.

8.) Alien vs Predator

On paper, an Alien vs Predator movie should amount for the perfect amount of shlock blockbuster popcorn entertainment anyone would expect. And the moments that it does just that, it makes for a pretty good time that gives you exactly what you want and expect out of this fun premise. Just a shame that way too much time is spent focusing on human characters that become a footnote the moment the two titled monsters jump on the screen and it tries to set up lore and world building that it has little to no interest in actually exploring. Still, the effects and production design is top notch and when the alien and predator actually show up and start fighting, it’s entertaining enough. Back in the day, you would have to slug through Alien vs Predator to get to the good stuff, similar to how folks had to slug through The Phantom Menace to get to anything involving a lightsaber, but because we have the internet now, you can just look up the fight scenes for this movie on YouTube and be satisfied all the same.

7.) Alien: Resurrection

Alien: Resurrection acts as perhaps the oddball of the series. It’s not so much a continuation of it’s controversial predecessor but more acts like a “Elseworlds” addition to the Alien franchise. This is basically when the series began abandoning its thought-provoking themes and immersive storytelling in favor of acting as traditional schlocky B movies. Sigourney Weaver is back once again but she’s not actually the Ellen Ripley from the first three movies and is actually a clone of Ellen Ripley this time around. That in of itself makes the emotional investment non-existent and hard to care about. Still, the shlock-ness that is presented in of itself is just so hard for me to not dig, even if it’s as goofy and over-the-top as it comes. The action is fun, Sigourney Weaver is clearly having fun in playing a clone version of her iconic character, and the effects and ideas of the Xenomorphs is so bizarre that it’s actually amusing to see before your very eyes. When viewing it on the merits of being a silly, wacky sci-fi click, Resurrection works well enough. When viewing it on the merits of the previous Alien films that felt more ambitious and impactful, Resurrection falls quite flat. Even so, it’s still bittersweet watching this now knowing it was Sigourney’s final time playing Ripley on the big screen.

6.) Alien 3

The most despised standalone Alien movie in the series isn’t nearly as bad as it’s detractors would be. This is the directorial debut for the well-known David Fincher, at least not the parts which Fox didn’t meddled with the third installment. Alien 3 is most infamous in it’s bold narrative choices, such as killing off the supporting cast of the last movie onscreen, along with not being on par with the previous two masterpieces. However, when looking at it’s own term, there’s plenty of interesting ideas and set pieces throughout Alien 3 that work well here, along with having such a bleak and distinct feel to it that you very rarely get in movies nowadays. Not to mention, in a franchise which sees so many people get kill and slaughter by alien monsters left and right, it’s not really a series which I see the main characters have happy and uplifting endings. It’s definitely not as good as Alien or Aliens and it might have reached it’s truest potential if David Fincher was given full control but Alien 3 is definitely better than it’s overall reputation would suggest. If you watch the assembly cut, which adds an extra half an hour where it fleshes out all the new characters, you just get a good notion as to watch Fincher was going for and a hint to where his style would go many years down the road. This may have not been the ending that Ripley deserved but it’s perhaps the one she needed.

5.) Prometheus

Easily the most polarizing entry in the entire franchise, Prometheus sees Ridley Scott returning to the franchise decades later with a distinct prequel, back before any of the aliens were actually a thing. This easily contains some of the strongest visuals and ideas in the entire series, questioning how human being can co-exist against technology and artificial intelligence. You also have a cast, such as Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, and Idris Elba, that absolutely give it their all and is able to add the right amount of weight to the material they are giving. Just too bad it gets bogged down by having characters making completely illogical decisions the whole way through and so many questions gets handwaved in the hopes that a potential sequel would be able to follow through with it (SPOILER ALERT: IT DOESN’T!). It’s hard to know how Prometheus would be judged in hindsight if Ridley Scott got to continue along with this distinct direction but even so, it’s hard not to admire the film for what it’s aiming for and being it’s own animal in a franchise that has gone on for as long as it has. While it certainly lacks in smart characters and aliens, Prometheus has enough impressive visuals and captivating ideas to make it’s way to the top 5.

4.) Alien: Romulus

After going down a very inconsistent road from Alien 3 to Covenant, Romulus sees Fede Álvarez
returning this franchise back to it’s traditional roots and it could not be any better for it. This is able to hit all the beats that you would expect from an Alien film while also providing it’s own unique voice and plenty of memorable scares and thrills of it’s own. It’s able to use fan service in a very organic way, feeling like it belongs properly in the world of Alien. The new cast of characters are likable and compelling in their own right, the action, gore, and set pieces are among the very best in the franchise, this is easily the scariest film in the series since the original Alien, and the third act is so bonkers and so out of left field that I can’t help but love it. It’s even able to take plot elements from Prometheus and have it work rather well here. It does suffer from some imperfections such as a rather slow start, a callback or two that doesn’t really work, and a reemergence of a certain character that didn’t feel necessary (At least, it wasn’t A.I. though!). Even so, this is easily the most consistently good Alien film since Aliens and perhaps the most pure fun installment in the franchise thus far. While it’s far from the most thought provoking and groundbreaking film in the franchise, Alien: Romulus is able to deliver where it counts the most with this franchise in providing it’s own scares, thrills, and tension throughout.

3.) Alien Isolation

Fans have debated for years as to what is the third best film in the Alien franchise. Even after the release of Romulus, that debate continues. However, there is a strong argument to be made that the third best Alien film every made is not actually a film but a video game known as Alien: Isolation. Set between the events of Alien and Aliens, we follow Amanda Ripley, the daughter of Ellen Ripley, going on her own space journey to find clues about what happened to her mother only to be greeted with the same alien surprise as her mother did. This is a game that perfectly understands why Alien and Aliens worked as well as it did, masterfully combining the slow paced, claustrophobic nature of Alien and the action-heavy set pieces of Aliens. Isolation puts you perfectly in the shoes of Amandla Ripley, with a smartly placed third-person perspective that makes you feel like you are the one that is going on this hunt for survival against these sinister monsters. The narrative is compelling, the stealth and combat is properly done, the a.i. is some of the smartest and challenging of any video game, and the Xenomorphs have never been more terrifying than they are here. Some of the backtracking can be too tedious and will CERTAINLY get too frustrating for those that want to just BLAZE through the game (Which you absolutely should NOT do!), but I don’t think I can think of a more perfect bridge to Alien and Aliens than Alien: Isolation. While Alien: Romulus was able to take all the good elements of this game and make it it’s own, I still believe this game is my favorite thing to come out of the franchise post-Alien. Rock on, Amanda Ripley!

And IGN CAN SUCK IT!

2.) Alien

The one that started it all remains one of the greatest achievements in both the sci-fi genre and cinematic history in general. Ridley Scott got it perfectly right on his very first try back in 1978. Operating flawlessly as a slow-burn, smaller scaled sci-fi horror flick, Alien is the proper film to be taught in film school on how to build tension and suspense properly. The Xenomorph, chest burster, and face huggers remains some of the most unique and terrifying monsters every put to film, the atmosphere could not be any more somber and claustrophobic if it tried, the production and sound design is some of the very best every put to film, every single important plot element is remembered and gets a satisfying payoff, and nearly every single cast member gets their own moment to shine. Also, best movie cat ever! While I’m sure the film might be way too slow for those that watch it nowadays, Alien is a film that more than awards your patience by finding the proper payoff to every single thing that it builds off of. Even if it’s not quite #1 for me, I don’t think there has been a more important sci-fi film, give or take Star Wars, in cinematic history than Alien. It’s impact is still felt to this very day and it is more than easy to see why.

1.) Aliens

While the original Alien acts as one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever made, Aliens is one of the best sequels ever made. Much like Terminator 2: Judgement Day, it not only takes every time that worked about it’s near perfect original and made them better but it’s able to stand on it’s own two feet by changing the pace into a relatively smart action flick. From the superb lighting to the stellar production design to the convincing make-up effects to the properly raised stakes to the fantastic action to the perfection that is Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley, Aliens is about as perfect as a film of any kind can get. There’s not a single line of dialogue that isn’t memorable, not a single character that feels wasted, and not a single action or dramatic beat that doesn’t work here. This is one of the rare times that a film series was able to properly translate from a smaller scaled indie flick to an action blockbuster that does not diminish or water down the franchise in any way. Also, this film confirms that Ellen Ripley is hands down the most badass action heroine in the history of cinema. That is not opinion, that is FACT. There’s no person the planet that could deliver the line, “GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!” better than Sigourney Weaver could. Aliens remains the pitch perfect example on how to do a sequel, sci-fi flick, and a big blockbuster film of any kind. This remains one of the very best films that has ever been made.

When I made the decision to do a yearly long retrospective on SpongeBob Squarepants for the show’s 25th anniversary, there was one main thing I was skeptical off, that the newest piece of content to come out in 2024 for the sponge would be so bad that it would make this retrospective feel like a giant waste of time. After all, we all know the narrative of SpongeBob Squarepants in the eyes of the media. Pre-movie SpongeBob good, post-movie SpongeBob bad.

The last thing I want is the latest movie or tv special to throw more fuel into that toxic fire when it’s already big enough as it is. However, in the case of this newest SpongeBob-related movie to come out in Saving Bikini Bottom: A Sandy Cheeks Movie, I figured it wouldn’t be worth talking about unless it was either exceptionally good or exceptionally bad. And considering I’m writing this review, you could probably guess this particular film is either one of those metrics. And if you go by the subtitle of this review, you would probably guess it was exceptionally bad. Unfortunately, you would be right.

Saving Bikini Bottom: A Sandy Cheeks Movie is one of the worst things to ever happened to SpongeBob SquarePants and is perhaps the worst of all of the SpongeBob movies (Yes, including Sponge on the Run). It takes nearly every problem of the very worst of SpongeBob medium and cranks it up to 11. The plot is non-existent, the characters are at their most one-note and nonsensical, not a single joke lands or isn’t stolen from older SpongeBob material, the direction and special effects for the live-action sequences are jaw droppingly awful, and the main villain is one of the worst, obnoxious, and most cringeworthy villains I’ve seen in any movie. Not even previous saving graces from other bad SpongeBob content such as the animation and voice work are good here. If there was any indication that Nickelodeon no longer cares for the sponge we all know and love, look no further than this steaming piece of crap!

I honestly want to stop here because talking so negatively about SpongeBob Squarepants, a series I have loved nearly my whole life, just breaks my heart. However, there is so much wrong with this movie that I just have to get my honest thoughts out there. I would start with the plot but it would be hard to describe because there barely is one.

Premise: The Bikini Bottom is in danger once again, this time being scooped out of the ocean from some mysterious unknown source. The only ones left to save the town is Sandy Cheeks (Carolyn Lawrence) and SpongeBob Squarepants (Tom Kenny). The two head out of water to Sandy’s home state of Texas to enlist the help from her family to save their town and stop whoever it is that stole Bikini Bottom and everyone they love.

First off, despite what the title might suggest, this is very by in large a SpongeBob SquarePants movie that just happens to put the spotlight on Sandy Cheeks, much like how Shadow the Hedgehog was by in large a Sonic the Hedgehog game that just happened to put the spotlight on Shadow. There’s nothing different to in terms of tone, feel or music and just about all of the major SpongeBob characters are present and accounted for. SpongeBob is basically just reduced to being the co-lead of the movie. Netflix and Nickelodeon can fool people however much they want to but this is NOT a spin-off and most certainly another main entry of SpongeBob SquarePants. Which to be honest, makes the whole picture feel a lot worse than it already is.

It’s become a growing criticism with recent forms of media that it has the feeling of an A.I. making it and that unfortunately can be applied to here. There’s not a single plot element, character trait, joke, or reference that feels new or unique. Almost every single one of them has been stolen from other better SpongeBob medium and makes nearly every single beat of the film feel extremely predictable. You can see every single plot turn, character moment, reference, and moment of humor coming from a mile away. I’m willing to be if I asked ChatGPT to write out a Sandy Cheeks movie, this is exactly what I will get.

The plot, as I mention before, is barely there. It’s about the most barebone “save the world” story you can possibly imagine with nothing fresh or unique added to it. There’s no positive message for kids here or any hard lesson that the characters have to learn by the end. It just one random illogical set piece to the next that even for SpongeBob SquarePants, will test your patience and make your ability to suspend your disbelief basically impossible. Granted, SpongeBob hasn’t necessarily been known for having complex stories or the most internal logic but even with the other movies, it at least felt consistent with everything else going on and there was the germ of an idea that gives it an excuse to make into a film.

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie acted as the original epilogue of the series that changed the status quo for its main Sponge at the very end. Sponge Out of Water took spoofs of a handful of classic films and put them all in a blender. Even Sponge on the Run had a climax that (despite the abruptly forced Kamp Koral flashbacks) could have been seen as a culmination of the series with the characters describing how much SpongeBob has meant to them over the years since the show’s inception. There is nothing of substance in Saving Bikini Bottom that warranted this being a feature length film when it could have been a 30 or 45 minute long special instead of a 85 minute long film.

The SpongeBob characters themselves are giving as lazy of a treatment as the plot is. There is nothing that stands out here in terms of their traits and personalities that you haven’t already seen before in any SpongeBob media. It takes the problem of the later seasons where they will take the one character trait that each character is known for and beat you over the head with it, making it their ENTIRE personality without deviating from that one specific trait. SpongeBob is overly happy and optimistic, Sandy is overly smart and competent, Patrick is overly dumb and stupid, Squidward is overly sad and depressed, etc. It’s just the one trait that each character is known for and literally nothing else. I would mention the others but they all feel like such a footnote here that I can’t be bother to speak of them because the movie itself couldn’t care less either. That’s not even to mention how clunky and unnatural nearly every bit of dialogue is that comes out of these characters’ mouth, with lines that feel as cold and lifeless as everything in this movie is.

When it comes to the new characters added in, they are even worse. While meeting Sandy’s family is an interesting idea on paper that would at least make for a decent special episode of the series, the group itself could not be more bland and boring in the finished film. So much so, that I can’t even remember any of their names, what makes them different from each other, and which one each said notable actor is suppose to be playing. There’s nothing that stands out with the family that makes them feel welcome in the world of SpongeBob nor does it offer any kind of extra depth or characterization for Sandy herself. The best we get is the hint of what Sandy was before she left Bikini Bottom with her family being circus folks and potentially was destined to be a spy there (Yes, really!) and nothing else.

It’s also quite jarring how the family seems to act like they are in a completely different universe than the one the movie is set in, especially with how little presence they have in the actual climax of the movie. They don’t so much feel like they are doing this to save their daughter’s town but more because she just so happened to be back in Texas and might as well give her a helping hand. It honestly feels like the family couldn’t care less what happens to Sandy’s home and her friends. It’s just like, “Oh, our daughter is back in town and needs a slight favor from us! I guess we can help here, even if we really don’t know what it amounts to!’ Meeting Sandy’s family should have been exciting to see for any fan, instead it’s lame and boring like the rest of the movie.

The worst new additions, however, have to go to the human characters. Not only are the live-action sequences with them generally poor and hard to watch, but these characters could not be more annoying and obnoxious if they tried. The two assistants are generally infuriating, going full cartoon in their performances that doesn’t feel entertaining to watch and gives the impression that the director for these sequences has no clue how to properly stage a live-action scene. If you thought the live-action Patchy the Pirate sequences in the show was cringe, you have seen NOTHING yet. However, neither one of them compares to the absolute WORST part of the movie, the main villain of the movie!

The main villain play by Wanda Sykes is easily the worst antagonist that the SpongeBob franchise has ever seen! She starts off as being a generic “corporate” villain that wants to use SpongeBob and his friends as a brand that they can turn into a huge profit (You couldn’t have been any less subtle with that, could you Nickelodeon?!) but then she becomes needlessly complicated once they reveal the origin story as to who and even why she is the way she is. Nothing about that makes any sense, her motivations for doing what she does is strange and quite frankly disturbing, every single line of dialogue spoken out of her mouth is an absolute groaner, the green-screening effects with her character are so bad it will make your eyes bleed, and her evil transformation at the climax is generally one of the most CRINGEWORTHY things I’ve seen in any form of media ever! You have to see it to believe it but I can only imagine how many folks will legit die of cringe whenever they see this character appear on screen in her “real” form.

Even the notable saving graces of prior bad SpongeBob content such as the animation and voice work cannot be praised here. The animation might have been decent for a video game cutscene but NOT for a future length film. It’s like they took the animation from prior SpongeBob video games, most notably The Cosmic Shake, but removed any of the fluent movements and the overall unique style that helped make it stand out for the game. It looks even worse in live-action, looking distractingly out of place with everything that is happen out of the sea with terribly dodgy CGI effects and dreadful editing for good measure. I mean at least Sponge On The Run looked nice and all of the voice actors sounded like they were trying.

Speaking of which, the voice cast, which has been a constant strength for all forms of SpongeBob medium, is shockingly flat here. Almost all the big name members of the cast sound incredibly bored to be here, feeling like they are just going through the motion and phoning in. I understand that everyone in the cast is older now and have been doing these roles for over two decades now but there is just no energy or passion behind any of the performances in the movie. Tom Kenny and Clancy Brown in particular sounds like they are on there last legs on voicing SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs respectively. They all sound just as tired and bored as I imagine most SpongeBob fans will feel watching this monstrosity.

I can’t imagine I will suffer through a worse film through the rest of 2024 than Saving Bikini Bottom: A Sandy Cheeks Movie. It’s basic proof that Nickelodeon no longer cares about the quality of the SpongeBob brand and clearly see the franchise as just a product in name only. Any of the heart and soul that has been a present through the very highs and even some of the lows is no where to be seen here. I know there will be plenty of folks out there dismissing this review and claim the movie overall is not that bad and giving it the “it’s for kids” pass but I generally believe SpongeBob SquarePants and children entertainment deserves better than this.

As someone that has been a defender of numerous amount of SpongeBob content to come out past the first movie (which you have seen throughout the course of the year), Saving Bikini Bottom: A Sandy Cheeks Movie serves as just the amount of ammo needed to those that claim that the sponge we all know and love is long gone and should have been put to sleep a long time ago.

Going back to the “corporate villains” I mentioned before, it’s ironic how the main thing going with them is that they are a big corporation that is wanting to capture SpongeBob and the rest of Bikini Bottom for the sake of merchandises and branding. With a proper creative team, that could have made for an interesting commentary and even a defense that SpongeBob means more to Nickelodeon than just his popularity alone. Unfortunately, when watching the movie, it comes across as Nickelodeon patching itself on the back for letting SpongeBob be what he has become. And especially after the passing of Stephen Hillenburg, that is about the worst possible feeling imaginable.

Help us Derek Drymon, you’re our only hope!

Other comments:

• There is literally a joke that SpongeBob makes early on about streaming on demand. That legit made me want to turn off the movie at that exact moment.

• Why does EVERY SINGLE SpongeBob movie have to take place out of water?! Just let the little yellow demon stay underwater for once!

• Remember in that one episode where Sandy says that squirrels can’t fly. That aged about as well as SpongeBob recently saying that he never learned how to tie a tie.

• I’m so sorry to Deadpool & Wolverine so saying you barely had a plot and relied too much on jokes and references. At least, the plot was built AROUND those jokes and references and they mostly worked in the heat of the moment. This is just……nothing.

• This movie was apparently produced by the same person that did Food Fight! Now, it all make sense!

• Which character from Sandy’s family did Johnny Knoxville voice again? I literally couldn’t tell.

• It’s odd how Grey DeLisle never did any voice work in SpongeBob until now. Just a shame she had to choose the absolute worst occasion imaginable to do so!

• I don’t care if Search for SquarePants or the Plankton movie (Yes, that’s going to be a thing) turns out any good, there should be no more SpongeBob movies after that.

• Sponge on the Run>Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie

• Heck, I’ll go a step further. Megamind 2>Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie

• Also, yes this was in fact a part of the SpongeBob retrospective marathon. I will do Sponge on the Run next month.

• Oh, and Squidward is totally gay for Sandy’s father btw. And SpongeBob as well.