When it comes to video game adaptations, you always tend to expect the worse. No matter how or why, Hollywood always seems to drop the ball with it no matter what. Whether it’s because they do their damnest to either be unfaithful to the material as possible and even try as hard to be as completely faithful as possible, they can just never get it right. Never mind the fact we got plenty of good ones in recent memory such as Detective Pikachu, Angry Birds 2, Sonic The Hedgehog 1 & 2, Arcane, and just recently with The Last of Us. Those don’t count because as we all know, there is no such thing as a good video game movie or show. Because if there was, then it would ruined the media’s own personal agenda of spreading the narrative of there never being a good video game adaption. At this point, we’ve trained ourselves to never get our hopes up for these kinds of adaptions because there can never be good just because. However, just moments after coming off my super early advance screening for Illumination’s The Super Mario Bros Movie, I realized that I have witness with my own eyes a new low for video game adaptions. The kind that it’s so bad that it makes you question why you even liked the games it was based off of in the first place. Not only is The Super Mario Bros Movie the worst Illumination movie I’ve ever seen, it’s the worst video game movie ever made and has joined the list of worst movies ever made period. I’ll take that 1993 live-action movie ever day over this pile of dogs*it!
Yes, it’s as obnoxious with it’s fan service and references as the trailers would suggest. Yes, they actually try to make Mario an actual character with a personality and have actual lines of dialogue despite the fact he’s never been an actual character with a personality or actual lines of dialogue. Yes, they actually make Luigi the damsel in distress this time around instead of Princess Peach because we can no longer have women that need to be rescued because women are now strong and independent and don’t need no man, am I right? Yes, it is so pandering with it’s wokeness by including sooooooo many shots of rainbows and even has a male character telling another male character that he’s “cute”. Yes, Chris Pratt is as ever bit of amazing as Mario as you knew he would be and Jack Black as Bowser was as ever bit of awful as you knew he would be. Yes, it has the most breathtaking animation I’ve seen since The Emoji Movie. The Super Mario Bros Movie is like a mix of the worst tropes of video game adaptions, animation flicks, and Hollywood movies all rolled into one. I never thought it could get worst for Mario than Super Mario Sunshine but I was proven wrong.
Plot Description: It’s Mario. It’s not suppose to have an actual plot other than getting from Point A to Point B constantly because our princess is in another castle. What did you expect? For the movie to be unfaithful to it’s material by having a real plot. They can’t because otherwise it’s a bad adaption by default. Silly toads!
I could go into lengths of everything that doesn’t work about this movie but it’s easy to tell you the things that did work and leave at that. Firstly, the animation is stunning. It looks like it was ripped straight from the CGI cutscenes of any Mario game. But then again, saying the animation is good in a movie in 2023 is like saying that the sky is blue and the grass is green. It’s so obvious at this point that it doesn’t matter.
Lastly, Chris Pratt as Mario is about as perfect of a casting than I ever imagined. Never mind the fact he fails badly at pulling off a convincing Italian accent and doesn’t sound even remotely like Charles Martinet, he’s still ORGASMIC as Mario! That one moment in the movie where he goes “WAHOO!” made me jizz in my pants in the theater. This is easily the best casting decision in a video game movie ever next to Tom Holland as Peter Park…….I mean Nathan Drake. Unfortunately, that’s where the positives end. There’s so many things wrong with this movie it’s hard to know where to even start.
First off, why does this movie have an actual story it’s trying to tell, characters it’s looking to develop, and an overall message it’s wanting to say to the audiences? Everyone knows that anything related to Mario is not suppose to have any of these. The gameplay and graphics are what matter most, not the story, characters, or so-called themes. Like what is this movie trying to be? An actual movie? Just give me a mute Mario who has to go from world to world, collect special items, fight whoever stands in his way, beat Bowser, and rescue Princess Peach by the end because that’s what he does best. There’s no need to change things up or do anything different because that’s just not Mario. This movie had one simple job in that department and it failed miserably. And it gets even worse.
Mario is NOTHING like the Mario in the games. Instead of being the reliable every day hero that he always has been, he’s incredibly too stupid, incompetent, and is a screw up way too much. Never mind the fact that this movie is suppose to act as an origin story for Mario and where he learns how to actually be the reliable every day hero, he’s suppose to be perfect right from the start and shouldn’t have to undergo a so-called arc on how to be a hero. He already is a hero! How is this guy suppose to rescue Princess Peach over and over again when he can’t even save his own ass from Donkey Kong?
Next, we have Luigi who just like Mario, is nothing like how he is in the games. Instead of being the confident little bro who’s never afraid of everything, he’s now nothing more than an annoying little weasel who is scared of everything and needs to be saved 24/7. Never mind the fact that him being captured by Bowser helps sets up the rivalry between Mario and Bowser which gives Mario real motivations to want to stop Bowser or that Luigi has always been kinda of a wimp and fraidy cat, especially with ghosts, he’s suppose to be fighting alongside his brothers to save the day because that’s what heroes do. But nooooo, instead we get to see him and his brother be striped down from their heroic traits just so Princess Peach gets her time to shine! Speaking of which!
And where to begin with Princess Peach! Everyone knows that Peach was never suppose to be an actual character but more of an object for Mario to rescue over and over again. Never mind the fact that she’s been a playable character in other games, has had more of a role than simply being a damsel in distress in recent games, and even had a game on the Nintendo DS that no one remembers where she had to go save Mario’s ass from Bowser herself, Peach has never been a strong or badass character in any way until now because of course, she has to be. Because we can’t have any women needing to be saved nowadays, they got to be strong and independent with no need for a man. And don’t get me started on that scene where she’s lecturing Mario about his white privilege and the way the patriarchy of the Mushroom Kingdom is constantly putting her down. If Nintendo or Illumination wanted to make a strong female character, they should have took notes from The Emoji Movie. The character of Jailbreak in that movie was truly groundbreaking for female empowerment.
Unfortunately, the wokeness in the movie doesn’t stop with Peach. There is sooooooo many shots in this movie of the rainbow road because, of course there is. You just always have to find a way to virtue signal to the lgbt+ community in everything nowadays and there you go. Never mind the fact that rainbow road has always been a thing in Mario and has never had anything to do with pride, putting a rainbow in anything is an automatic red flag. And there’s also the laughable attempt at making a gay character. That scene where the Penguin tells Luigi that the little male star is cute was so forced and on the nose. And let’s not forget that scene at the end where Peach and Daisy make out. I have nothing against gay characters but do they have be in everything nowadays? When does the straight crowd get love again?
In terms of production wise, it’s really bad as well. The animation is soooooo good that it’s bad. Why does it have to look exactly like the games? If I wanted to play a Mario game, I’ll play a Mario game and not watch a movie. The score is beautiful but unoriginal and contains too many tracks that are just rehashes of all the well-known tracks in the Mario series. If I wanted to listen the original Mario theme, I would listen to the original Mario theme. Or did I mention that they had an ENTIRE section of a Mario Kart track with all the known Mario characters in existence but yet there was never ONE scene with a blue turtle shell coming in to knock out who ever is in first place?! That really says it all.
In terms of the voice cast, leave it to Illumination to hire a bunch of well-known celebrities just because of their reputation and not because they actually fit their characters. Chris Pratt is an amazing Mario however. He doesn’t sound anything remotely like him but he’s good because he’s Chris Pratt. Jack Black is a terrible Bowser and it just seems like he’s trying to copy the voice from the games without doing something new of it’s own. Why not just get the actor from the games if Black was just gonna do the same kind of voice again? Anya Taylor Joy brings way too much energy and charisma to Peach, a character that suppose to be completely void of a personality or charm. Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong is just basically Seth Rogen playing himself. Keegan-Michael Key as Toad is just basically Keegan-Michael Key playing himself as well. Never mind the fact that Mario has never really been known for it’s superb voice acting, with the exception of the masterpiece that is Super Mario Sunshine, it doesn’t suit these characters whatsoever and the voice cast just takes you out of it because it’s just actors that are playing these characters and not VOICE actors. There’s a clear difference!
In short, The Super Mario Bros Movie is nothing sort of a disaster! Not only is it a terrible adaption of the Mario series, it’s a terrible film in general. Which is a massive shame because Illumination has had such a perfect track record with their movies, especially their latest one in Minions 2: The Rise of Gru. Unfortunately, they along with Nintendo just completely dropped the ball here. How they got the movie of the most famous video game character of all time so wrong is beyond me!
If you want to see a Mario movie done right, just watch the 1993 live-action movie. That is how a Mario movie is suppose to be done, not this crap!
One star for the animation! Zero for everything else!
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April Fools btw!
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