Every year, there comes that one film that just blows you away. That one film that just speaks to you on a personal level and changes the way you think about yourself. You don’t know how or why but it just amazes you in every way. It gives you hope for not just movies but in humanity! When it comes to all the movies that I’ve seen this year, there is not one that has fit that description perfectly than Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey. It’s easily the best Winnie The Pooh movie ever made and definitely better than all of that Disney crap that didn’t understand the character. It’s the darkest Winnie The Pooh movie to date and finally gives the fans of the character the serious tone they have been looking for along with addressing all the complaints that everyone had about the Disney adaptions. It’s an instant horror movie classic that delivers the scares, kills, and gores that we’ve all been waiting for. And it’s the best movie of 2023! Take that John Wick and Marvel!
Premise: Christopher Robin is headed off to college and he has abandoned his old friends, Pooh and Piglet, which then leads to the duo embracing their inner monsters.
I would go further with the plot description but I don’t know if I can. Not because I don’t wanna spoil anything since there’s really nothing to spoil about the movie but I couldn’t tell you what the story is aside from that. It’s all over the place with it constantly cutting back and forth to the Winnie the Pooh characters, Christopher Robin, and whoever else is in the movie. There’s also the fact that there are undeveloped characters and tacky subplots that come in out of nowhere, then completely disappear for long stretches of the movie before reappearing again out of nowhere, and it all turns out to be complete pointless by the end of the movie. But hey, who cares about any of that right? If you want a good story or character development, go read a book or something. What anyone cares about in a horror movie is the scares and kills and oh man, do they deliver!
This is one of the most scary movies I’ve even seen in my life. Even though it’s basically the same cheap jump scare over and over and over again, I still fell for it every single time because of how well it’s done. Every time Pooh comes out of nowhere to scare Christopher Robin or his girlfriend, it was so terrifying that it made me look behind my back to see if he was right there about to get me as well. If a movie can terrify you so much that it makes you believe that the scary person is literally right there with you when you are watching it, then it’s definitely doing something right.
And don’t even get me started on the kills, this has some of the most bloodiest, goriest, and satisfying kills in any horror movie I’ve ever seen. It’s certainly better than the ones that was in Scream 6 where it didn’t even look real at all. This however, felt so real that I basically felt the character’s pain. During that scene where Pooh and Piglet are torturing Christopher Robin by whipping him repeatedly in his naked back, I felt every single bit of that pain. So much so that I nearly threw out my back trying to put lotion on it just to make sure that I didn’t too feel the pain. That other scene where Pooh is going around and murdering Christopher Robin’s friends with a hammer blows any killing scene in any Texas Chainsaw movie out of the water.
The best thing about this move however is how it accomplishes the one thing that all fans of Winnie the Pooh have always wanted to see, Pooh and his friends getting revenge on Christopher Robin for abandoning them. Unlike that Disney live-action movie that was too scared to go into that because they have to make it kid-friendly, this one is finally able to deliver the perfect story of vengeance that everyone has been wanting to see. Never mind the fact that Christopher Robin was getting older, had to move on with his life, and Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Owl and Rabbit aren’t even suppose to be real, that little bastard abandoned the only friends he ever had and deserves all the scorn he get. It’s such an empowering, uplifting story of time, loneliness, and abandonment. It reminds us that we are not alone and there is always someone that will stab us in the back. And when that happens, you can stabbed them in the back as well. It’s only fair after all.
From a directing and production standpoint, well, it’s quite shitty. The directing is all over the place, the editing is choppy, and the blood and gore just look like ketchup and spaghetti and meatballs. But then again, it was the director’s first ever big mainstream movie so he deserves some slack. Plus, he was only given a budget of 100,000 dollars, so it’s not like you can expect it to be actually good. Never mind the fact that well-known movies such as Clerks and The Blair Witch Project were made for even less of that budget but then again, who cares. Who watches a movie for that anyway? If you wanna watch something with good direction or production, go watch a Broadway musical or something.
One more thing that is worth mentioning are the performances from these actors and actresses who I have never heard off and don’t remember their names from the credits. However, that’s a good thing because it allows themselves to completely embody their roles without having you think of any well-known actor that it completely takes you out of it. Unlike in say Christopher Robin where I never bought Ewan McGregor as Christopher Robin and I just saw Obi-Wan Kenobi pretending to be Christopher Robin. The fact this cast is so unknown that they don’t even have their own Wikipedia article makes it all the more better because it makes you realize that anyone can act professionally. Sure, the moments where they have to cry and be scare fall flat because you can tell that they are either inexperienced or not being directed very bell, but then again, who cares. If you wanna watch something with good acting, go watch a play or something.
Overall, Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey is about as pitch perfect as movies can get. It’s scary, terrifying, contains plenty of scares and kills, takes itself incredibly seriously, and finally gives Christopher Robin the brutal death that asshole has deserved for all these years. Sure, it’s poorly made, written, acted, and does basically nothing new or interesting in it’s premise but who cares when it’s a literal masterpiece.
Hollywood should take notes from this movie! It’s then they might realize that it’s time to stop making these movies based off of children properties and make them strictly for adults. The kids have had their chance but it’s the adults that matter now! And if Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey is anything to go by, then the future of cinema is safe. It’s the best movie of the year and the best movie of the decade so far! Forget about that Dungeons and Dragons crap or that new woke Mario movie, this is what movies are about!
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April Fools btw!
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